7 Ways to Love Yourself Through Chronic Pain

(This article first appeared on the Soul Analyse website)

Living in any kind of pain, emotional or physical, can make life seem joyless. Not only are we suffering from our symptoms, but it seems like pain takes over everything. We go to sleep in it, wake up in it, eat in it, love in it, parent in it. Even though we try to put a good face on things, at some point, we’re probably going to HATE our pain.

When pain is chronic, when it won’t leave no matter what we do, we often blame ourselves. What is wrong with me, we ask, that I can’t heal? Maybe I haven’t done enough, haven’t tried hard enough, must have made a mistake somewhere along the way to have ended up in this pain. This is all wrong, life is wrong, and maybe I am wrong.

While disliking pain is understandable, it’s important that we don’t transfer that dislike, anger, and even hatred onto ourselves. It’s not conducive to healing and can serve to keep us stuck in both physical and emotional pain.

So how do we move on from there?

I found that the most helpful thing I could do for my well-being and to support my overall healing was to find ways to move away from the anger, resentment, blame, and fear of living with pain. I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to heal my physical pain when I was in so much emotional pain. I made a conscious effort to renew my sense of joy and pleasure in life and not wait for pain to leave before I did that. In fact, I felt it was imperative not to wait so that I wouldn’t slide into depression, hopelessness, and despair. I chose to renew my sense of self worth and self trust through loving myself more, even in the midst of pain.

Below are are listed the approaches that worked for me. I call them "steps" to delineate them from each other and to give you a kind of game plan for getting back in touch with yourself if that is needed, but they do not have to happen in any particular order. Some will be easier than others, but I have found all of them to be necessary ingredients in coming back to a state of grace within myself while still living with pain.

Step One: Don't Let Pain Define You

Separate your feelings about yourself from your feelings about your pain. Remember that you are still here. You are still you. You are experiencing pain, but pain is not the totality of who you are. There is always more to you than your pain. Love that.

Step Two: Extend Kindness to Yourself

Find ways to be more compassionate, soft, and kind to yourself. We are such an accomplishment-oriented society, that we often transfer the Type-A approach we have for our work lives to our approach to physical healing. But I have found that the body does not always respond well to pushing it to heal. You can be kinder to yourself by:

• ask for help when you need it
• rest often
• reduce or throw away your to-do list
• allow your body and emotions the time they need to heal and trust yourself in that

1. acknowledge what you’re going through and give yourself a break from trying to keep up with everyone else​​

Step Three: Know That Healing is Your Current Job

Remember that healing is not a straight line. It goes up and down and spirals around. Some days you will feel better. Some days you will feel worse. This has nothing to do with your worth as a person, it is simply part of the healing journey. Don’t blame yourself on your bad days. Be gentle and know that this is a day to pull back in as many ways as you can. Say no when you need to. Instead of hating that you can’t be productive, love yourself by pampering and taking care of yourself. Know that there is no more important job for you right now than to heal.

Step Four: Extend Kindness to Your Pain

Consider not only being more loving and kind to yourself, but being kinder and more loving to the painful parts of you too. Remember, pain is a signal from your body. It really isn’t the enemy. I have found that the more I fight it, resist it, or hate it, the more stubborn it is. If I can find ways to be softer with pain, understanding that it is a sign that my body is trying to heal, then I can relax a little more about having it in my life. The less I fight it and hate it, the sooner it begins to move, to release, to ease. So, as strange as this sounds, find ways to be more loving with your pain. Speak to it softly. Ask it what it needs. Treat it like a wounded animal that needs love and tenderness.

Step Five: Enjoy What is Here Now

Remember that there are still joys and pleasures that can be had, even in pain. Yes, pain may still be there, but you don’t need to starve yourself of the things you enjoy. You deserve to feel good about yourself and to love the people, things, events, smells, and sounds that you have always loved. Maybe they must be experienced in smaller doses. Maybe pain has to come along for the ride, but love yourself enough to indulge where and when you can in simple pleasures. It’s not just more enjoyable, it’s crucial to keeping depression and hopelessness at bay

Step Six: Give Yourself Credit

Congratulate yourself warmly and wholeheartedly for each new day you meet, for still being here, for carrying on, for sticking with yourself and for loving yourself through this challenging path. Do this on a daily basis. An hourly basis, if need be. Remind yourself that you are always moving toward greater healing, and sometimes the most healing path lies in not-doing. 

Step Seven: Take Yourself off the Hook

Pain is not a test or a punishment. You have not failed or made a mistake. Being in pain has no bearing on your self worth. Let go of self-recrimination. Everyone meets pain on the path of life, whether it is emotional or physical. No one has a completely pain free existence. Love yourself enough to know that you are not alone on this journey through pain.

​Finding ways to love yourself through pain not only makes the path a little easier and less stressful, it can help lift physical symptoms. When you come through the other side you will have gained something valuable: wisdom, compassion, insights, kindness, and greater trust in life and appreciation for who you are and the journey you have made.