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WHY WE DON'T TALK ABOUT PAIN
Apart from the actual feelings of physical and emotional discomfort, one of the most difficult things about being in pain is the experience of being alone in it. Pain often isolates and separates you from others, and seems to take you out of life. Being in pain can be extremely lonely. No matter how understanding others may wish to be, the fact is, we feel utterly alone in our experience of pain. This is kind of an awful realization to have. There is no one in here with me who can completely understand what I'm going through right now. |
Yet we know that one way of moving out of isolation is to connect with others. To converse, to share, to open up. This would mean telling others about the depths of the pain we are in. Why don't we do that more often?
There are many reasons why talking about pain seems like the last thing you want to do. Here are a few you might identify with:
MOANING MYRTLE
We've all seen our version of Moaning Myrtle who complains and complains about the smallest ache or insult and we definitely DON'T want to be her.
SHAME
There is a level of shame that comes with being in pain. In the predominant culture of the United States and in many westernized cultures, children are taught that independence and strength are virtues, and showing pain is showing weakness. We are imbued with the idea that there is some sort of physical and emotional ideal person that we are supposed to be. Being in pain translates into not being strong enough or good enough.
BUCKING UP
We are often taught that in order to be this strong, ideal person, we should be able to bear just about anything, to buck up, to hide our feelings, and to not be a burden on others. Admitting to being in pain, physical or emotional, seems to mean that we are admitting to some apparent failure (the failure of not being perfect?), and we will very often be told exactly what we don't need to hear: buck up, carry on, be more positive, etc.
FEELING UNHEARD
When we do try to tell others, sometimes they don't seem to be able to hear us. We feel misunderstood - not fully seen and heard. If the person we're speaking to has never experienced the level of pain we're in, or they are pain-avoidant people, it may be hard for them to just BE with that level of pain. We often get platitudes as a response. Naturally, we'd prefer to avoid the disappointment of feeling unheard, so we fairly quickly learn either to downplay the level of pain we're in to something people CAN relate to, or to simply hide it. Both of which lead to more feelings of being alone with our pain.
MORE USEFUL ADVICE (NOT)
When we try to tell others about our experience of pain, instead of just listening, they often quickly try to fix it all up for us. They offer advice, books to read, the telephone number of their favorite therapist or doctor or suggest some alternative therapy. At the moment we are communicating our pain to them, we don't need more advice, we need to be heard. We need to have our pain seen and acknowledged.
TALKING ABOUT PAIN HURTS
When you talk about the pain you are in, it feels sometimes like walking right into the center of it. Talking about it brings it right up in your face, and sometimes it feels like it would be easier to ignore it, or push it aside or just live with it instead of talking about it with anyone. Ever.
These are all understandable reasons for not talking about the pain we're experiencing.
So why would we talk about pain, then?
WHY WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR PAIN ANYWAY
Unfortunately, what happens when we don't express the physical and emotional pain we are in is that we become more and more isolated in it.
We are having a very private experience that we don't feel anyone else can really understand, or has the capacity to just BE with. Not sharing what's really going on, we begin to feel more and more disconnected from others. Eventually, feeling disconnected from others can lead to feeling disconnected from life itself. And even from ourselves.
It's like living in a bubble of pain. Pain has taken over the experience of life, the experience of relationships, and, ultimately, the experience of ourselves.
This is a very difficult road to be on. Believe me, I know.
However, even though it is difficult to talk about pain, and very frustrating and difficult not to be heard, the alternative - never fully expressing to anyone what you are really going through - is much harder. You are not doing yourself any favors by keeping your pain entirely to yourself.
I have 8 years of experience in covering up the full extent of the pain I was in, and I can say at this point that living with pain doesn't get easier and better through NOT talking about it.
WHO SHOULD I TELL?
Okay, you say, I hear what you're saying, but there's no one I can really talk to that will understand.
That's what I thought, too. Yes, you do need to make a wise choice about who you will tell the whole story of your pain, absolutely. There are many people who simply won't be able to hear it. But I'm pretty sure you can find one. Or more than one.
Start with someone you trust - a close friend, family member, spouse, or therapist. Ask them to set aside some time when they will not be distracted, and ask them to please hear you out without trying to change anything, fix anything, offer advice, or console you.
Ask if they are willing to just be a pair of receptive ears. Tell them you need to be heard completely. Tell them that what you are going to share may be difficult to hear, but that you really need them to just be there and hear it without offering anything.
This is harder to do for the listener than it sounds, since many of us think we are being helpful by distracting, avoiding, overcoming or downplaying pain. This is why it's really important to lay out these ground rules before you start talking. Let them know that the most supportive thing they can do for you right now is NOT to try to make it all better or make it all go away, but to really be with you in it. Just for that time. To see and hear you in the pain you are in.
When you ask people in this way, some will not be able or willing to sit with you and let you talk about your pain, of course. This is why we have trained therapists. And someone like that might be your best bet.
But you'll be surprised by the unexpected people in your life who have been carrying their own private pains and who really do understand. Perhaps not exactly what you are going through because they aren't you. But they will understand pain. They will understand hiding it. They will understand the isolation.
And, perhaps when you are done telling your story to them, on another day, you can be a pair of receptive ears for them.
I wish you well on your path, and I welcome your comments.
Sarah
There are many reasons why talking about pain seems like the last thing you want to do. Here are a few you might identify with:
MOANING MYRTLE
We've all seen our version of Moaning Myrtle who complains and complains about the smallest ache or insult and we definitely DON'T want to be her.
SHAME
There is a level of shame that comes with being in pain. In the predominant culture of the United States and in many westernized cultures, children are taught that independence and strength are virtues, and showing pain is showing weakness. We are imbued with the idea that there is some sort of physical and emotional ideal person that we are supposed to be. Being in pain translates into not being strong enough or good enough.
BUCKING UP
We are often taught that in order to be this strong, ideal person, we should be able to bear just about anything, to buck up, to hide our feelings, and to not be a burden on others. Admitting to being in pain, physical or emotional, seems to mean that we are admitting to some apparent failure (the failure of not being perfect?), and we will very often be told exactly what we don't need to hear: buck up, carry on, be more positive, etc.
FEELING UNHEARD
When we do try to tell others, sometimes they don't seem to be able to hear us. We feel misunderstood - not fully seen and heard. If the person we're speaking to has never experienced the level of pain we're in, or they are pain-avoidant people, it may be hard for them to just BE with that level of pain. We often get platitudes as a response. Naturally, we'd prefer to avoid the disappointment of feeling unheard, so we fairly quickly learn either to downplay the level of pain we're in to something people CAN relate to, or to simply hide it. Both of which lead to more feelings of being alone with our pain.
MORE USEFUL ADVICE (NOT)
When we try to tell others about our experience of pain, instead of just listening, they often quickly try to fix it all up for us. They offer advice, books to read, the telephone number of their favorite therapist or doctor or suggest some alternative therapy. At the moment we are communicating our pain to them, we don't need more advice, we need to be heard. We need to have our pain seen and acknowledged.
TALKING ABOUT PAIN HURTS
When you talk about the pain you are in, it feels sometimes like walking right into the center of it. Talking about it brings it right up in your face, and sometimes it feels like it would be easier to ignore it, or push it aside or just live with it instead of talking about it with anyone. Ever.
These are all understandable reasons for not talking about the pain we're experiencing.
So why would we talk about pain, then?
WHY WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT OUR PAIN ANYWAY
Unfortunately, what happens when we don't express the physical and emotional pain we are in is that we become more and more isolated in it.
We are having a very private experience that we don't feel anyone else can really understand, or has the capacity to just BE with. Not sharing what's really going on, we begin to feel more and more disconnected from others. Eventually, feeling disconnected from others can lead to feeling disconnected from life itself. And even from ourselves.
It's like living in a bubble of pain. Pain has taken over the experience of life, the experience of relationships, and, ultimately, the experience of ourselves.
This is a very difficult road to be on. Believe me, I know.
However, even though it is difficult to talk about pain, and very frustrating and difficult not to be heard, the alternative - never fully expressing to anyone what you are really going through - is much harder. You are not doing yourself any favors by keeping your pain entirely to yourself.
I have 8 years of experience in covering up the full extent of the pain I was in, and I can say at this point that living with pain doesn't get easier and better through NOT talking about it.
WHO SHOULD I TELL?
Okay, you say, I hear what you're saying, but there's no one I can really talk to that will understand.
That's what I thought, too. Yes, you do need to make a wise choice about who you will tell the whole story of your pain, absolutely. There are many people who simply won't be able to hear it. But I'm pretty sure you can find one. Or more than one.
Start with someone you trust - a close friend, family member, spouse, or therapist. Ask them to set aside some time when they will not be distracted, and ask them to please hear you out without trying to change anything, fix anything, offer advice, or console you.
Ask if they are willing to just be a pair of receptive ears. Tell them you need to be heard completely. Tell them that what you are going to share may be difficult to hear, but that you really need them to just be there and hear it without offering anything.
This is harder to do for the listener than it sounds, since many of us think we are being helpful by distracting, avoiding, overcoming or downplaying pain. This is why it's really important to lay out these ground rules before you start talking. Let them know that the most supportive thing they can do for you right now is NOT to try to make it all better or make it all go away, but to really be with you in it. Just for that time. To see and hear you in the pain you are in.
When you ask people in this way, some will not be able or willing to sit with you and let you talk about your pain, of course. This is why we have trained therapists. And someone like that might be your best bet.
But you'll be surprised by the unexpected people in your life who have been carrying their own private pains and who really do understand. Perhaps not exactly what you are going through because they aren't you. But they will understand pain. They will understand hiding it. They will understand the isolation.
And, perhaps when you are done telling your story to them, on another day, you can be a pair of receptive ears for them.
I wish you well on your path, and I welcome your comments.
Sarah
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Sarah Shockley is the author of The Pain Companion series of books on holistic pain management and pain relief. Visit her at www.thepaincompanion.com for free resources for people living with chronic pain and information on her work. |
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