The Pain Companion
  • Home
  • about
  • Videos
  • Books
  • Interviews
  • reviews
  • resources
  • Contact

The Cure for Giving Up (When it Feels Like Chronic Pain is Forever)

7/12/2017

12 Comments

 
Picture

Is There Life After Pain?

I know the feeling – pain is so pervasive you can’t imagine life without it any more.

It’s part of what makes living with pain so incredibly challenging. It's such an immediate, and invasive experience that there isn’t room for anything else. It demands our full attention, and it takes most of our energy – not just the healing process, but being in pain.
 
Life without pain seems to recede irretrievably into the distant past. We almost can’t remember what it feels like to move freely, to not be in pain.

And that's one of the things that makes us feel like giving up. Life without pain lives in some  remote, untouchable place in the distant past. It seems inaccessible, something long ago and far away.  And because we can't access that, can't even imagine life without pain any more, the pain feels permanent.
 
This feelings of I’ll never be out of this, there’s no end to pain, this will never stop are too easy to fall into and can lead to hopelessness and depression. It’s really hard to come back from that if there isn’t a lot in your daily life to lift you back out.  I know, I’ve been there.


Find Something or Someone To Care About

You might say to me, but you don't know how hard it is for me. And you're right. I don't know your pain. No one does except you. But I can tell you that I know about being in relentless debilitating pain every hour of every day for most of the past ten years. I know about waking up in the morning and having to pull on all my inner strength and resources just to get through another day.

I know about wanting to give up.

I might have, but I had someone who needed me to be there.

I think that's one of the secrets of carrying on. Finding someone or something that calls you back into life–that you can use to call yourself back into life. Something or someone you care about being here for.

It might be a child. It might be a spouse. It might be a friend, or it might be a cause. Maybe you have something the world needs to hear because of your time in pain. Maybe you want to advocate for people with chronic pain. Maybe the pain has taught you something that you can put into writing or art or poetry or song. Something.

You may have to work at it, and you may have to search to find something to care about – but find a line to throw back out into life, to hook into something that's important to you, and pull on it.

Pull on it like your life depends on it.


Rescinding a Life Sentence

Am I going to tell you that if you do this, you'll find your way to the other side of pain? No. I can't promise that. But I also can't say it won't happen either. And neither can anyone else.
 
It’s difficult to find a way to believe in life after pain if your doctor tells you there is little hope for it. It’s hard to keep going when there seems to be no medical reason to expect something better.
 
I know. I was given a life sentence too.

But I have moved into a much better place since then. I had to learn to stop letting my current situation completely determine my future. I had to stop looking only into the past to find any evidence of being pain free because that was reiterating the message that that part of my life - the pain free part - was over. That it would never come again.
 
Yes, that part of life is past. But the future is not yet created. The future is wide open.  It's possible that things could get worse, but there’s also the possibility that things can get better. The place of no-pain is hard to imagine when we're in pain, captive to it, but that does not mean that the place of less-pain or less-pain can’t ever exist.

I am living proof.


Pain Does Not Own Your Future


Did I go from barely being able to walk down the street to competing in cross country ski races? No. But I have gone from barely being able to walk down the street to regular painful walks to regular more enjoyable and less painful walks to a couple of movements of Tai Chi to doing Tai Chi daily. For me, that’s miraculous.

But I couldn’t have gotten there if I’d let my then-present experience with pain convince me that it would always be that way. I had to use tenacity, fortitude, and courage to keep going when it didn’t seem to be getting any better. I had to tell myself that I didn’t know the future, and neither did my doctors.


Nothing, nothing, nothing in our current experience proves that the future does not hold a life with less pain or no pain. Nothing. No one can tell you that, or take that hope away.

My future is between me and my Creator, and no one else.

And so is yours, my friend.

Be as angry as you need to be about what you're living through, but don't give up.

Don't give up.


Image:  The Tambourine Girl, John William Godward, 1906 (Wikimedia Commons)

SUBSCRIBE

Picture
Sarah Anne Shockley has lived with nerve pain from Thoracic Outlet Syndrome since 2007. She co-produced and directed Dancing From the Inside Out, a multi-award winning documentary on AXIS Dance Company (integrating wheelchair and able-bodied dance). She is the author of The Pain Companion, The Light at The Center of Pain, Living Better While Living With Pain, and 30 Days of Living Better While Living With Pain.
12 Comments
Emma link
7/16/2017 11:37:27 pm

I know exactly what you mean, I am pretty much bedbound and people wonder how I cope but having a supportive family helps and a lovely baby niece developing into a toddler keeps me going. I am looking forward to getting a power chair so I can get to the shops as it has been such a long time since I did this, also getting back to my singing lessons as it has been many months now and it is great for exercise.
I agree don't give up there is always something you can do it is about trying to think positive which is hard at times.

Reply
Sarah link
7/17/2017 08:26:16 am

I also sing and believe in it not just as something pleasant to do but because it moves energy and breath through the body. I'm so glad you're getting a power chair - it's so important to find ways to rejoin with life as much as possible. Thanks for your comment, Emma, and sharing your positive spirit!

Reply
Russell Huggins
7/17/2017 05:10:48 pm

I am anemic and live in pain almost 24/7. Usually in the early morning hours I get some relief and then the process starts over. I am about ready to throw in the towel................

Reply
Sarah link
7/18/2017 10:44:45 am

Russell, I'm so sorry to hear that. There were years when I had a very similar situation - I was exhausted but couldn't sleep from the pain, then would finally fall into a kind of dozing restless sleep in the wee hours of the morning, then have to get up to get my son ready for school, and I swear I felt almost worse when I woke up. It was really, really, really hard to face each day, so I totally commiserate with you in your situation. I can't know what's going to happen for you, but I can tell you that things have gotten a lot better for me and part of it was in finding ways to work with the pain instead of against it and also to find ways to express what was happening physically and emotionally in different ways. You might find Living Better While Living With Pain has a few ideas for you - it's a free download you can find on my website or Amazon. All the best to you, Sarah

Reply
Barbara Campbell link
8/2/2019 03:11:35 pm

I sometimes have a couple of blessed pain free hours in the morning unti l move and the day begins. The more I stay home with my neck and back and hip supported the less I hurt except for the spasm which accompanies my sciatica. But I don't enjoy simply existing so I try to find moments like the infrequent morning hours when the pain is ignorable. I truly don't recall when I was last pain free, seems as though it never was. I've had to make many mental adjustments because it is very hard especially for an anxious bi-polar depressive. At one point they were calling my back pain thoracic outlet syndrome but since they found degeneration and 2 or 3 compression fractures and 3 bulging discs in my neck they haven't mentioned the thoracic outlet syndrome All I know is one day I am just having knee pain and s little muscle strain from pulling and re filing charts and records all day and on my day off I'm driving home and have come to a stop at the back of traffic at a light, it's still lightly raining and as I look up I see a vehicle coming down the hill and he's not able to stop when he looks up from what he's doing. My life hasn't been pain free for 1 full day since. Sadly I accepted a low settlement and tried working again so that I could get the man who rented to me off my back and pay my doctor's off (the ones who refused to the order an MRI of my neck and head), a mediocre Chiropractor, and the lawyer leaving me with nothing but my paychecks at a highly stressful telemarketing job.
Those moments when they come when I first wake from a decent rest are precious to me, true blessings from God. But I need to up my purpose for getting up and functioning. The payoff for the increased pain and fatigue need to prove immensely. 0:) B May you continue to be blessed with those hours with less pain.

Reply
Kallie
7/20/2017 01:29:20 am

I have had fibromyalgia and CFS for many years now. I look back on my life before pain before the diagnosis and I still see symptoms or hints of symptoms as far back as a child even. They were things I thought every one dealt with. I used to have episodes that my parents tried to find out what caused them. My childhood was tough And my life when I was finally diagnosed was extremely high stress between my job and my home life. I used to blame my ex for how he treated me as the last straw the broke the camels back so to speak. If he hadn't have done the things he had I might have lasted several more years but I honestly can't know that. I was working 15+ hour shifts. Taking college classes, raising a son, I was having increasingly more spells but then I had one at work. I spent a night in the hospital the said stress. A few months later I happened again. This time my visit lasted for two weeks while having tests of every sort run sometimes twice. They said pre diabetes. The week after that rushed to the hospital again. Still nothing. At this point I wasn't having pain no more than usual I thought. And of course I had reasons to be tired. Ten year later I don't have prediabetes but I do now have a note in my file as a hypochondriac. Lol. That was the only answer I'd been given and I clung to it. But after that one test that had some strange readings I never again had a blood glucose test that said I had diabetes or prediabetes. So then I was strapped with therapy. My dr refused to send me to any other specialists until I agree to get therapy. Go to a behavioral specialist. So I went. I didn't care at that point if I was crazy or If all this was in my head I just wanted answers. My husband dealt my weakness relfected directly upon him so just wanted me gone. He told me I should just give up and die. Asked for a divorce a few month later. So I left and never looked back. Well we all regret stupid decisions. But depression held me for several years. Now I'm doing the best I've been doing since my diagnosis. I don't know if there is something else the doctors keep missing I still have spells. But not as often. But when I do they are bad. Fibro might have just been a convienient label to put on me. But I still think there is something else going on. None of the meds they had me on was helping with my depression. I only started getting better when I started getting off all the medications they had me on. So instead of 20 medications every day I take 4. My pain medications, my muscle relaxers my anti inflamitories; I take them 2-3 times a month Instead of 2-3 times a day. I no longer take opiates. I sleep better. I wake up feeling more rested and hurt less and have more energy. I have come to believe the bed I bought a year ago has helped get me off the medication and has helped my body heal its self. I'll never be a hundred percent maybe I never was a hundred percent. Some of us are just given less to work with and asked to do more with it. And we do. Because we're strong and capable and amazing people. It's not easy or fun. And it hurts. It's not easy ont those around us. But each experience prepares us for our lives ahead. This certainly isn't the life I ever wanted for my son. But he just turned 18. And he is calm under fire and deals with stressful situations and keeps a camlmnes that will help him in life. Hopefully for dealing with any situation I haven't thought to prepare him for. Pain isn't an end to life. Pain is a part of life. So own it. Make it yours it's going to be your constant companion make it look good on you. No one in this world is without pain in one way or another. And we don't always know what storm someone else has weathered. I know that no matter how bad I think I have it someone else out in this world has it worse than me. I've been in worse situations than I'm currently now in. And know that I could always end up there again. I could be dead. And some days I've thought that was better. Easier. I know that's one thing I can never prepare my child for. The people who care about me. And while I limit my contact with people still, they are out there. The people I've helped. The people I've touched. Whose lived would be different where I gone. Our lives are not singular. We touch thousands of others in ways we can't even imagine. So while it may end your pain you are a supernova of energy touching thousands of other bright stars. Creating your own beautiful universe.

Reply
Sarah link
7/20/2017 09:31:05 am

Kallie, thank you so much for sharing your story. You have spoken about your journey with and through pain so eloquently. Yes, it's truly awful and not the life we would have chosen, and certainly not for our children. I have a lot of guilt about what my son had to go through in terms of me not being available in so many ways. But he's 20 and, like yours, a very solid person. He knows who he is. He's compassionate and aware. So, strangely, this awfulness with pain also, as you so clearly describe, also has its unexpected gifts. I can't know what kind of person my son would have become if I'd been healthy and whole - maybe better off - but maybe not. Maybe having to go through that with me shaped him into a better person. Life is truly mysterious. Yes, yes, yes to everything you said about pain being part of life - and yes, we probably all had more pain in our lives already before it became debilitating - everyone does - it isn't about taking pain out of life completely - I don't know if that's possible - but it's finding ways to stop battling with it constantly, to learn how to dance with it, accept but not acquiesce, find that middle road and move through it and with it until it begins to lose its strangle hold and life becomes easier. Maybe not perfect, but easier can be enough. and, yes, to remember all the lives we touch and how important we are to those in our lives whom we love and who love us. Thank you so much.

Reply
Barbara Campbell
8/2/2019 03:30:58 pm

Thank you all so much. Just when my reserves are nearly empty God sends some one with the right words, or comfort, and suggsstions to encourage me to find a purpose with a bigger reward for the increased pain fatigue. And I love the thought so eloquently stated of touching other stars, connecting to one another in the cosmos with love. Thank you for making my hope feel more real.

Scott michaels
7/28/2017 07:57:42 pm

The pain is real the pain is forever. When you've tried everything available and your pain is severe all day every day it's real.
When the only thing that took most of that pain away for over a decade is no longer available to you the pain just gets worse.the DEPRESSION SETS IN and the pain is real. Should I search the streets for relief. NO! Then I am a drug addict. When i beg and plead with my Dr and she says I'm COLLATERAL damage it hurts even more. Yes I need a lot of pai medication to feel almost pain free. But the doc says ill die. I haven't died yet why would I die now. I only take as directed. But prop said and the surgeon General said your an addict. I'm not because I won't let them win. They want me to go to the streets. My OPIOIDS have been cut by 70%. My wife says I cry and moan in my sleep. Darn it she caught me. I always tell her im fine. Thats what my doctors say. Even though i have severe stenosis ankloosing splonditys and 2 fractures in my spine. I'm fine. I have stage 4 cirrhosis from a bloodtransfusion but im fine. I have congenital heart disease but im fine. Kaiser said by 3 doctors that never saw me said im fine . 3 previous doctors prescribed the medication and my PvP at Kaiser did too for three years until the doctors that didnt see me told her to stop giving me pian relievers. Hes fine. They never saw me but its not medically necessary. IF the One pcp that did see said im not fine and prescribed pain relievers to me for 3 yrs said i wasnt fine, how is it now im fine. I lay in bed. I cant walk my neck and back feel like knives are being stabed into me.
When I had my medicine this was not me. I was not disabled. I was able to have sex with my wife. I could take a walk could hug my kids. I guess that's bad. I'm supposed to hurt so much death sounds like a good idea.jbut omg there are people ABUSING my pain medicine they are using HEROIN too. I guess those junkies are more important THEN me. They still get THIER medicine. Just from a guy on the corner hiding in the bushes. Not me though no sir. I'M FINE. I COULDNT WALK TO THE CORNER IF I WANTED TO. BECAUSE I'M FINE. THE PAIN IS IN MY HEAD THEY SAY. NOOO. IT'S EVERYWHERE ELSE THOUGH.
I ASKED MY WIFE TO PUT ON MY GRAVE HER LIES MR FINE HIS DOCTORS SAID HE WAS NOT IN PAIN AND THE NEDICINE THAT GAVE HIM A LIFE THEY TOOK AWAY. SO HE HAD NO LIFE MR FINE IS NOT FINE ANYMORE

Reply
Sarah link
7/30/2017 06:53:06 pm

Scott, I'm so sorry to read about your experiences. I hear this story too often from readers - not getting the help necessary to be able to sleep, to be able to get through the day. I know your pain is very real, and it's not in your head. Many doctors have trouble believing that anyone can be in pain as long as you have been - it just does not compute with what they believe about the nature of pain. And, of course, we know they are wrong. I sincerely hope you can find a doctor who will respect your experience and take it to heart. Sarah

Reply
Daniel
11/23/2018 10:40:35 am

its tough sara. its tough when everyone you tell doesnt seem to understand the magnitude of pain. You feel like a whiner and a burden. im in a constant state of pain and inflammation. It feels like im cursed and a prisoner in my body. I am depresses, anxious and gained 80 lbs in one year. that was 2013. im done being prescribed stretches or more meds. my scalp is burning, my fascia is sticky all over my body, my head feels like theres cement for 5+ years, my low back is suffering from compression, i lost all my hair, my hips are inflamed and if feels like im stuck in one of those child cup swing sets. the only thing that provides some releif is marijuana but im on high doses of anxiety meds. i fractured my ankle in 2013 due to my bodys dysfunction and i still feel the burning and tension in my ankle. oh yeah, and im only 23. suppose to be the best years, has literally been hell. im in a state of helplessness and i feel like i am being cursed and no one sees me.

Reply
Sarah link
11/23/2018 12:14:18 pm

Daniel, I am so, so, sorry you ever had to go through all that you have been through. It sounds incredibly challenging and difficult. I know, for me, and I'm much older than you, living with pain has been the hardest thing in my life that I've ever had to deal with. It requires so much, and feels so unrelenting. I understand the feelings of invisibility and helplessness AND, for what it is worth, I see you and I hear you. I know how lonely and tough it can be, and I want you to know that there are others of us out here who are also walking this very, very difficult path through pain. You are not alone in that. I know pain requires so much of us - it asks us to reach inside and find new strength and fortitude every minute of every day. I honor you for your strength and your courage, and I am holding the prayer, the thought, the hope that there will be a shift for you into more ease and more well being and greater healing. It probably seems like very little, but I offer you my heartfelt compassion, and understanding. As much as you are able, love yourself even in the midst of this. We can't always understand why we meet these incredible challenges in life, but you are not wrong, or mistaken, or bad - there is the You of you on the inside that is still there (yes, I know sometimes it's hard to believe that), the Spirit that connects with Life - it helps me to draw on that as much as I can. With love, Sarah

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture
    Welcome to The Pain Companion Blog! Reflections and sound advice on living with chronic pain - a peaceful way station on the path to greater well being.
    About Sarah Anne Shockley

    Picture

    Books

    Picture
    Picture
    Picture
    Picture

    RSS Feed

    Chronic Illness Bloggers
    © 2015-2021 Sarah Shockley and thepaincompanion.com. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Sarah Anne Shockley and www.thepaincompanion.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.
Powered by Create your own unique website with customizable templates.